he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
