im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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