i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
