he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
