hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
