i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
