i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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