Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
