oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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