I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
