Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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