May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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