So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
