Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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