That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
