Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
