Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
