If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize