Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
