I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I touched a dick in church today
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
