If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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