He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
