it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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