i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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