did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
