Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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