John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Boobs are out for the taking
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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