gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
