I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize