You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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