I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
