Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
