My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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