Got a toothbrush?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
