Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
