Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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