is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize