he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
