i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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