You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My liver just broke up with me...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Randomize
