I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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