Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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