I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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