So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Acid is not a monday night drug
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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