Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
the condom got lost in my hair
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
