If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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