I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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