i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
