I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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