we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
