I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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