I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
FUCK WHALES
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
