they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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