she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
