Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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