i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
