I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
