i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize