you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
where are you?
Hypothermia
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
