The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My liver just broke up with me...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
